FEATURED STORY:
This story is about death. Not necessarily about the death of a family member, but about what happens after. The routines that die with the loved one, the sense of comfort and mundane living that either shifts or never become the same.
Sean Chen’s Journey:
When sophomore Sean Chen’s mom died, he lost a mother and a lifestyle. Chen used to live up in San Francisco, but once his mom began treatment for her cancer, they were forced to move down to the Bay Area where Chen had more family. In the days leading up to her death, Chen can remember her last few days as growing increasingly grim.
“I remember one specific time where she was in the bathroom and she said she couldn’t breathe,” Chen said. “And then my cousin, who was much more adept at hearing these things or paying attention to things that matter, was able to hear it, thankfully, or hear her screaming and then she had to go to the hospital again.”
Chen can distinctly feel the absence of his mother, as she was his closest confidant. When she was alive, they stayed with Chen’s grandparents because his mom used to work a fulltime job. He still lives with his grandparents now after her passing, but the language barrier between them makes him feel as if he can’t communicate with them as freely. In fact, it may go even deeper than just communication issues. Chen believes that he had developed slight issues controlling his anger stemming from both his mother’s death and inability to communicate as intimately with his grandparents, and only recently did he find friends to serve as an outlet to express his feelings to.
“I think it’s a family thing honestly. I’m not very good at controlling [my anger], and I think it’s mostly because I don’t speak to people about these things besides very recently,” Chen said. “When I found people that I could just release all my thoughts on, I finally released all my thoughts all the time.”
Still, Chen hopes other students don’t have to endure the same emotions he went through when trying to find people to talk to. He can recall the funeral service his grandparents threw for his mother, and how they had him sing a Chinese song on stage.
“[The song] was something about how your mom is the best person, [that] there’s no one on earth better to you than your mom,” Chen said. “I had lost her, so I guess at a young age I had lost the person that was the best to me.”
Sophia Powell’s Journey:
Although sophomore Sophia Powell remembers being prepared for her mother’s eventual passing, it was still difficult to be completely ready for when it happened.
“I sent an email out to all my teachers, mentioning that I wouldn’t be coming back for about a week or so and they all responded with their sympathy and just saying take your time, don’t focus on the work, that’s not really important right now, spend time with family,” Powell said. “It wasn’t surprising, but it was just glad to hear.”
Powell’s reaction to her mother’s death was complicated. Her mother had been diagnosed with aplastic anemia, a disorder that causes the body to stop producing blood cells, for three years before her death. Powell and her family took turns caring for her mother, helping her fulfill basic day-to-day tasks. On one hand, she felt that her mother had been going through a drawn out ordeal that was slowly decreasing the quality of her life. On the other hand, the days leading up to her mother’s death had been hopeful. Her doctor had proposed a liver transplant to help her body produce more blood cells and combat the disease, and a donor had been found. Before the operation could be completed however, her mother had a brain aneurysm, or a stroke in the brain. The surgery was called off, and Powell was left with just the memory of her mother.
“She wasn’t conscious so I didn’t really say a goodbye goodbye, knowing that we were communicating, you know, talking back and forth,” Powell said. “She was already unconscious by the time I got to the hospital that day. So that was really hard and then after … you know days like today, I mean there’s not like one day that’d go by not thinking about her.”
Some days, Powell might be completely sidetracked academically. But for the most part, her mom’s death wasn’t completely jarring. To Powell, it was an event that left her with mixed emotions. Her mom didn’t have to suffer further and Powell has since moved on to live the rest of her life.
Jeff Payne’s Journey:
Math teacher Jeff Payne can see how it can take a while for a student to find peers they trust enough to confide in them about traumatic experiences. When it comes to losing a parent as a teenager, he believes the emotions that follow are more raw and difficult to deal with.
“I know that even when my late wife was fighting cancer, my kids struggled with ‘How much do I want to tell people, and who do I want to tell, who do I sort of trust’ and it can be a very sensitive topic, because I think there is fear involved that people use the information poorly,” Payne said. “I mean, you’d hope that every teenager would be very supportive and sympathetic, but I don’t know if everyone always is and I think teenagers can worry about that.”
Payne watched his wife battle with breast cancer, and once she passed, he took a leave of absence from his role as a math teacher. He remembers how the rest of the department covered his classes for him, and how his students were clued into what he was going through by some of the substitute teachers that taught in his place. Although Payne lost a significant other, he believes losing a family member as a teenager is much more difficult than later on in life.
“My dad passed away the same year, but I was a middle-aged adult. So as a teenager I can’t really imagine all the feelings that are involved,” Payne said. “There’s certainly the grief and the loss of their relationship, but it’s one of your parents.”
Payne can also recall having a few students in his class who have gone through similar experiences. He hopes to communicate to them just how much respect he has for their situation.
“I would make sure that I knew that it was really, really hard for them and that I really respected how they’re handling it, that they’re at school, that they’re trying to stay focused academically,” Payne said. “Which, when you’re dealing with grief, it can be really challenging to stay on task and to stay focused the two things you worry about with anybody, but teens as well when they go through a lot of grief is losing focus, and then isolating.”
Payne, Chen and Powell all went through three different journeys to get where they are today. However, death isn’t just a stain on their collective memory. Powell’s last memory of her mother is still something she is proud of as well.
“At her celebration of life - we ended up having a celebration of life instead of a funeral, it just fit her better - about 250 [or] 300 people came and I got to learn about all their stories about how they knew my mom and how important she was to these people that I didn’t even know existed,” Powell said. “It was kind of inspiring. She was definitely and inspirational woman to me, and still is.”
Sean Chen’s Journey:
When sophomore Sean Chen’s mom died, he lost a mother and a lifestyle. Chen used to live up in San Francisco, but once his mom began treatment for her cancer, they were forced to move down to the Bay Area where Chen had more family. In the days leading up to her death, Chen can remember her last few days as growing increasingly grim.
“I remember one specific time where she was in the bathroom and she said she couldn’t breathe,” Chen said. “And then my cousin, who was much more adept at hearing these things or paying attention to things that matter, was able to hear it, thankfully, or hear her screaming and then she had to go to the hospital again.”
Chen can distinctly feel the absence of his mother, as she was his closest confidant. When she was alive, they stayed with Chen’s grandparents because his mom used to work a fulltime job. He still lives with his grandparents now after her passing, but the language barrier between them makes him feel as if he can’t communicate with them as freely. In fact, it may go even deeper than just communication issues. Chen believes that he had developed slight issues controlling his anger stemming from both his mother’s death and inability to communicate as intimately with his grandparents, and only recently did he find friends to serve as an outlet to express his feelings to.
“I think it’s a family thing honestly. I’m not very good at controlling [my anger], and I think it’s mostly because I don’t speak to people about these things besides very recently,” Chen said. “When I found people that I could just release all my thoughts on, I finally released all my thoughts all the time.”
Still, Chen hopes other students don’t have to endure the same emotions he went through when trying to find people to talk to. He can recall the funeral service his grandparents threw for his mother, and how they had him sing a Chinese song on stage.
“[The song] was something about how your mom is the best person, [that] there’s no one on earth better to you than your mom,” Chen said. “I had lost her, so I guess at a young age I had lost the person that was the best to me.”
Sophia Powell’s Journey:
Although sophomore Sophia Powell remembers being prepared for her mother’s eventual passing, it was still difficult to be completely ready for when it happened.
“I sent an email out to all my teachers, mentioning that I wouldn’t be coming back for about a week or so and they all responded with their sympathy and just saying take your time, don’t focus on the work, that’s not really important right now, spend time with family,” Powell said. “It wasn’t surprising, but it was just glad to hear.”
Powell’s reaction to her mother’s death was complicated. Her mother had been diagnosed with aplastic anemia, a disorder that causes the body to stop producing blood cells, for three years before her death. Powell and her family took turns caring for her mother, helping her fulfill basic day-to-day tasks. On one hand, she felt that her mother had been going through a drawn out ordeal that was slowly decreasing the quality of her life. On the other hand, the days leading up to her mother’s death had been hopeful. Her doctor had proposed a liver transplant to help her body produce more blood cells and combat the disease, and a donor had been found. Before the operation could be completed however, her mother had a brain aneurysm, or a stroke in the brain. The surgery was called off, and Powell was left with just the memory of her mother.
“She wasn’t conscious so I didn’t really say a goodbye goodbye, knowing that we were communicating, you know, talking back and forth,” Powell said. “She was already unconscious by the time I got to the hospital that day. So that was really hard and then after … you know days like today, I mean there’s not like one day that’d go by not thinking about her.”
Some days, Powell might be completely sidetracked academically. But for the most part, her mom’s death wasn’t completely jarring. To Powell, it was an event that left her with mixed emotions. Her mom didn’t have to suffer further and Powell has since moved on to live the rest of her life.
Jeff Payne’s Journey:
Math teacher Jeff Payne can see how it can take a while for a student to find peers they trust enough to confide in them about traumatic experiences. When it comes to losing a parent as a teenager, he believes the emotions that follow are more raw and difficult to deal with.
“I know that even when my late wife was fighting cancer, my kids struggled with ‘How much do I want to tell people, and who do I want to tell, who do I sort of trust’ and it can be a very sensitive topic, because I think there is fear involved that people use the information poorly,” Payne said. “I mean, you’d hope that every teenager would be very supportive and sympathetic, but I don’t know if everyone always is and I think teenagers can worry about that.”
Payne watched his wife battle with breast cancer, and once she passed, he took a leave of absence from his role as a math teacher. He remembers how the rest of the department covered his classes for him, and how his students were clued into what he was going through by some of the substitute teachers that taught in his place. Although Payne lost a significant other, he believes losing a family member as a teenager is much more difficult than later on in life.
“My dad passed away the same year, but I was a middle-aged adult. So as a teenager I can’t really imagine all the feelings that are involved,” Payne said. “There’s certainly the grief and the loss of their relationship, but it’s one of your parents.”
Payne can also recall having a few students in his class who have gone through similar experiences. He hopes to communicate to them just how much respect he has for their situation.
“I would make sure that I knew that it was really, really hard for them and that I really respected how they’re handling it, that they’re at school, that they’re trying to stay focused academically,” Payne said. “Which, when you’re dealing with grief, it can be really challenging to stay on task and to stay focused the two things you worry about with anybody, but teens as well when they go through a lot of grief is losing focus, and then isolating.”
Payne, Chen and Powell all went through three different journeys to get where they are today. However, death isn’t just a stain on their collective memory. Powell’s last memory of her mother is still something she is proud of as well.
“At her celebration of life - we ended up having a celebration of life instead of a funeral, it just fit her better - about 250 [or] 300 people came and I got to learn about all their stories about how they knew my mom and how important she was to these people that I didn’t even know existed,” Powell said. “It was kind of inspiring. She was definitely and inspirational woman to me, and still is.”
When I first met the subject of that very prominent photo at the top there, whose name is Sean Chen, he was cheering on his best friends at basketball game without a care in the world. Even today his face lights up and he's always smiling and waving whenever I call his name. After that first encounter though, I learned about his mother's passing and just how alienated he felt from the rest of the school because of it. Even worse, that wasn't the most morose story. I deliberated and eventually left out a source who watched their mother die in front of them, and who was both frank and honest with me about the trauma he experienced. Climbing down into this rabbit hole wasn't pleasant for the sources or for me; I'm just glad they gave me the opportunity to tell the story.